12 Steps to Recovery from Hating Lebron
I’m a Lebron-hater. And I need help.
It all started in 2002 when a Sports Illustrated edition showed up on my front porch (just kidding who has porches anymore?) with a picture of a high school junior on the cover and huge letters that said, “The Chosen One.” That stupid face. Seriously who makes that face?
If you read through your Twitter timeline you may find this hard to believe, but it’s actually a pretty tough life being a Lebron-hater. Most of our lives consist of sitting quiet as church-mice while the one they call The King displays feat after feat of insane athleticism or unbelievable intelligence on the basketball court. He’s won four MVP awards and two NBA titles after all.
But we stand strong. For there are moments, however seldom they may be, for us to strike. And when The King screws up, he only knows one way to do it: royally. Then the jesters like myself pounce, a practice that usually begins by pressing CAPS LOCK and ends with tacking on several exclamation points.
We (my fellow Lebron haters) founded websites like ihatelebronjames.com and created terms like “Leboners” (describing the manifestation of the unending adoration toward Lebron shown by members of the media).
The thing is, I don’t want to be a Lebron-hater anymore. I’m like the Aaron Paul character in The Path who decides to leave his cult (at least I think that’s what The Path is about but honestly I don’t know because I haven’t watched it and neither have you so let’s just pretend that’s what it’s about).
So I’m checking myself into rehab. The overseers of the program, charged with teaching me how to love and appreciate Lebron, are nice guys. You may have heard of them? Their names are Brian Windhorst and Stephen A. Smith?
Anyway, they gave me 12 steps to recovery:
Step 1: Admission
I, Matt Craig, admit to you that I have an irrational hatred for Lebron James.
It may have started with a harmless skepticism for the hype surrounding the high school phenom, but 14 years later when I find myself yelling at the television every time Lebron disagrees with a call (often), I realize it’s a problem.
Step 2: Expose your reasons to hate Lebron — On-court
A lot of times when I get into discussions about the NBA, people will ask me, “why do you hate Lebron?” as if he’s never done anything wrong in his life. Well I thought it’d be helpful for my recovery if I aired out all of the reasons why.
Lebron James wasn’t so much born as chiseled from stone, and wasn’t so much taught how to play basketball as he was given a pair of shoes previously owned by “the tall bald one” (is that Jesse Plemons??).
I don’t really care that he can’t shoot jump-shots. I don’t really care that all he really does is put his head down, drive with his right hand, and truck-stick people on his way to either a foul or a layup. Sure it’s a lack of basketball skill, but it’s a part of the game and no one can stop him, so why wouldn’t he do it?
My point is that Lebron has no reason to ever have excuses, and yet he finds them everywhere. His whiny face is seared into the inside of my eyelids, arms extended like a child in the Walmart checkout line who didn’t get the toy he wanted. Every call that goes against him, every shot that gets made over him, every missed rotation by a teammate, it’s never his fault.
It creates a really toxic team dynamic. You and I have felt this. Everyone has felt this, and it’s the same whether it’s in the NBA Finals or pickup at the rec center.
There’s always that one teammate that thinks he’s the best player on the court, and he’s hogging the ball, and he eventually looks down from his throne and deems you worthy of receiving a pass one time. You shoot a perfectly good shot and miss…and you can feel the weight of his scorn for the rest of the game. Oh and you never receive another pass. He doesn’t say a word, but he doesn’t have to. You’ve failed him.
Such is the standard operating procedure of every Lebron team I can remember. It creates a mindset for the role players that’s half “oh crap I better not screw up”, and half “I don’t want to succeed on your terms.” All these NBA guys are prideful, they all want to feel like they’ve earned what they get, not that it’s been rationed out by some almighty dictator.
Which brings me to what I call “The Lebron Dilemma.”
Lebron needs other players, other good players, to help him win championships. The style of basketball that he plays is too selfless, too smart, to put a team entirely on his back and be a ball hog a-la Kobe or MJ.
Unlike what most people say, that’s not a knock against Lebron. In fact, for me it’s a positive. Being a ball hog? That’s not good basketball. In terms of style of play, what Lebron does as far as distributing the ball is incredible and the best part of his game.
He plays unselfishly, he craves camaraderie, he wants be “one of the lower guys on the totem pole.” But I have a few questions.
Why does it seem like Lebron actually prefers to be the point guard and decision maker of every team he’s been on? Why does it seem like every team, no matter how they’re constructed, end up with an offensive set that features Lebron at the top of the key and the other four players spread around the three-point-line staring at him? Ok here comes the pick-and-roll, Lebron’s going to decide who shoots, either him or who he passes to.
Don’t believe me? Let’s go back to one of Lebron’s best games ever in 2007:
Then Lebron leaves for Miami, because the surrounding cast wasn’t good enough. He hits peak Lebron, playing almost perfect basketball with a great team surrounding him, and brings how two Larry O’Briens. Why then, no more than two years later, his team has devolved back to the exact same style of play in the video above?
Could it be because Lebron prefers this style? I don’t see any explanations that make more sense, so Occam’s razor tells me that’s right.
Somehow he is both a great passer, and still selfish. He “shares” the ball if you take “share” to mean a synonym of pass, but he’s not really sharing. It’s his decision. You stand and watch me now. I pass to you, you shoot now. That’s not sharing, that’s commanding.
Don’t you see the dilemma? Lebron needs teammates to be able to produce in order for him to win championships. But his teammates cannot produce so long as Lebron plays the style gives them a tiny leash. But Lebron prefers that style and thinks it’s the best way to win championships. It’s a gridlock.
As a basketball fan, that’s just hard for me to swallow. He may speak all the words of a humble man, but the ego required to literally not give your teammates a chance is hard to express.
Whew it feels good to get that off my chest.
Step 3: Expose your reasons to hate Lebron — Off-court
I’ve always found it hilarious how obsessed Lebron is with Batman. Bruce Wayne, Batman. Batman, Bruce Wayne. One a perfectly pleasant gentleman. One a vigilante and a terrorist.
As a person, I’m sure Lebron is a cool guy. But I can’t stand the “image” of Lebron.
I’m not going to play armchair psychologist and say that the fact that he was an only child is the reason for this (or anything), but Lebron is constantly evaluating himself and others. He’s constantly cultivating this image, this persona, this Batman.
Which is why all of his actions come across as calculated, and fake.
Sure we’ve never had an athlete under as much scrutiny as Lebron, but have we ever had an athlete as conscious about his self-image?
He wants to leave the Heat to play for the Cavs, with the promise of a younger, healthier Big 3. But noooo, he’s “coming home.”
He doesn’t want David Blatt to be his coach. But he’s not going to criticize his coach, noooo he’s just going to openly rebel against him in timeouts and call his own plays.
(A quick note here: read this Marc Stein article and tell me how you’re a Lebron fan?)
He wants to control every aspect of the franchise, and serve as coach and general manager. But noooo he does so only passive-aggressively, in the shadows (like Batman), so it can never be traced back to him.
He doesn’t like Kevin Love as a teammate. But noooo he sends out a subtweet about fitting in.
He sees a beautiful girl on the sidelines of one of his games and slides into her DM’s. But no…wait what? He’s married? And she was only 18? That’s kinda messed up.
He unfollows his own team on Twitter. But noooo he’s got a beautiful mind (???).
Even the Lebron Dilemma I discussed earlier. He wants to be the hero in the same way as Kobe or MJ, but even there it seems he can’t risk the image of being a ball-hog, so he’s forced to pass.
Essentially he wants to have his cake and eat it too. And the rest of us, we’re just pawns in his game.
I think underneath that facade may lay the hero the NBA deserves. Hell, he was downright charming during his Trainwreck press tour. But we don’t get to see that. We only get to see Batman.
I hate Batman. Thanks a lot Lebron, now you’ve made me hate Batman.
Step 4. Review the facts
Hmmmm…actually now that I think about it…
This therapy thing isn’t for me. I’m totally fine with living with my Lebron-hate.
I hate you Lebron James, or at least the Lebron James you’ve created.
