If “The Chair” Could Talk

He would tell you his side of the story

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for a special news conference LIVE from Chesapeake Energy Arena, where the folding chair responsible for breaking Enes Kanter’s forearm will speak for the first time since the incident. Up the Thunder was granted exclusive access to the event.

Moderator: Before we open it up to questions, would you like to make an opening statement?

Chair: Thank you. Good morning to Oklahoma City and to the world. I would like to address the incident that occurred on Thursday night in full because I believe the story in the mainstream media over the past 24 hours has been unfair and one-sided. What happened was unfortunate and I wish it didn’t have to happen like that. But I need to tell my side of the story.

Moderator: We’ll now take questions.

Weston Shepherd: Was all of this an accident?

Chair: Absolutely not. I didn’t mention where everything started, and maybe that’s my fault for not making it clear. I didn’t start that conversation or the incident on the court. So it all feels like karma from my side. I think it’s fair for me to say now.

Weston Shepherd: Where did your relationship with Enes go wrong?

Chair: I’ve never really liked Enes, and I don’t think he’s ever really liked me. When he was brought in from Utah I think he kind of assumed that I would be his designated spot on the bench, but he didn’t realize all I had gone through to get to where I was. He didn’t deserve it.

Dillon Young: I’m sorry — what do you mean by “all that I had gone through?”

Chair: Well, you know, obviously every chair growing up wants to make it to the big leagues — been dreaming about it since they were a folding chair on the end of their high school bench. It’s been a long road, nobody believed in me. But I was blessed to be given a chance by Mr. Presti and Mr. Bennett. Worked my way all the way down to celebrity row, and finally to the bench. By last year Kevin was sitting on me every game during the starting lineups and when he was on the bench. Every other chair in the ‘Peake was jealous.

Steve Lutsky: What does any of this have to do with Enes Kanter?

Chair: Well when Kevin left I don’t think Enes took it very well. Like it was my fault or something. Our relationship hasn’t been the best since then. But it’s a business, man. It’s a business. You try to make it work.

Pierce Trahan: So what happened on Thursday?

Chair: He just kind of snapped. It was a normal home game, middle of January, against a struggling Mavs team. Enes was frustrated, hadn’t been playing well, and I tried to talk to him. Tell him to not worry about this game, to settle down.

Pierce Trahan: That’s all you said?

Chair: Well…no. It was more than that. He came back at me, so I went back at him. Some really nasty stuff. He said I was made in China…and I mentioned the politics back in Turkey and how ugly his mustache was and suddenly there was just this look in his eye. I knew it was going to come to blows.

Wade Pierce: How did he break his forearm, aren’t you padded?

Chair: Well he came with the overhand right, and I didn’t really have time to react. I deflected the punch ever so slightly with my back. His aim kinda sucked, honestly. I didn’t want to do it, but it’s just a heat of the moment thing, you know? It made his wrist turn at a funny angle when he hit my seat.

Adam McLaughlin: So basically wha…

Chair: …I’m sorry but how come no one is asking me about the injuries I’ve suffered? Enes is like 270 pounds. He could’ve broken straight through my seat. If that had happened I may have never been able work an NBA game again.

Wade Pierce: Are you worried at all about how much you’ve affected the team?

Chair: That’s not really my problem anymore. I have no comment at this time.

Adam McLaughlin: What do you mean? What’s next for you?

Chair: Yeah I’d like to take this time to announce that I will no longer be working for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Apparently Enes took the issue to Mr. Presti, gave him an ultimatum or something, him or me. Whatever. Kevin and the guys in Oakland have been texting me all season, saying how much they want me and how much fun we would have together. They asked me how many championships they would win without me, and how many they would win with me. It was just too good of an offer not to take.

Dillon Young: Have you spoken with anyone on the team since making this decision?

Chair: Yeah I texted them. That’s all I have to say at this time, thank you.

UPDATE: At the media scrum the day after this story was posted, Enes Kanter actually mentioned this piece. Here is the video, skip to the 6:35 mark.